I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.