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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Peace was never an option
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.