@ventivodkacran: I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn't hanging out in there, too.
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@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000? [imagines spending the entire show standing up] "no thanks"
@rocknthepurple: I'm just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it's been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@Brianhopecomedy: My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.