Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with