I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Hot Hot Hot
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.