The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Going to church you guys need anything
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent