I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA