I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy