I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.