I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
These are my roll models.
That’s amazing.
I already tried new things thanks.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
sry
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.