[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?