I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Botany good plants lately?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Friends that check up on you >
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.