How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job