I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*