I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat