doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*limbos away from your hug*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.