I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.