I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Yup.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Cake safety first. Always.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.