I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
3% human
97% stress
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Got him!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution