I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH