I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
That eye roll….
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women