bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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Oh my god
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Never let them know your next move 😂
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
He’s dead
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?