I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Finished stitching this today 😇
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”