@Mr_Kapowski: I haven't cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox
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@ojedge: [date] Me: 'Don't let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…' Her: "Shall we order dessert?" Me: "LET'S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!"
@briangaar: Republicans: Don't let Syrians in! Trump: Don't let ANY Muslims in! Republicans: TOO FAR (dude be cool, we’ve got an election to win)
@TampaBayMomma: Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
@Juicedballs: If babies named Todd don't call themselves "The Toddler" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?