I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.