I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.