I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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black phone good
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
socratic questions
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.