I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction