I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.