The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
You Might Also Like
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”