Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You Might Also Like
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
#ProTip
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.