I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
$3 #books
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I know this now 😂