I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
This is my favorite one of these!
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Not even remotely sorry.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
That seems a conundrum…
🤔