I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Livid.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.