I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’m not average. I’m mean.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud