Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
That 👊
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?