Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.