I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is