2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*