I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Wise advice