@NurseSeymour: I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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@Death_Buddy: When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
@SherifLSharkawy: Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.