@NurseSeymour: I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end. -The inventor of massage
@trentistweeting: WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
@Rollmaninoz: [at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned
@david8hughes: "Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh." "Ha, yeah ok." [swaps suits] "Now we sh-" "You took a shit in this, didn't you?"