I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral