-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
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To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”