I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.