Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary