@Smiilze: I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [blind date] Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS Her: Hi, I’m Linda Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
@FinallyHeSleeps: My kids heard, "Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die." What she said was, "Sorry, our shake machine is down."
@robdelaney: Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week :(
@paperphotoyo: Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.