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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
reduce, reuse, recycle
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!