I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
#Caturday
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Well well well…
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My dress code is business-casualty.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.