@abbycohenwl: I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can't get the smell out of my hair
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@LindaInDisguise: You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
@JennyPentland: "When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?" Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.