I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
blocked.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.