I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Yup.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish