@ItsLaTourette: I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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@JohnLyonTweets: Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@TheCiscoKidder: Me: It'll just make mom grumpy, so don't tell her that the dishwa..... 4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER'S BROKEN!