@ItsLaTourette: I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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@ClassicMegan: Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"