I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You Might Also Like
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.