After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.